6/22/2017

WEAKNESS

I have a weakness which is so difficult to fix. I tried but still i did it. Again and again. I wouldn't mention what but i regret a lot because of what i did. I tried so hard but then after some time, unintentionally i did it again. To the point i feel so embarrassed of myself. I am such a messy person.


I don't want to be punished by i deserve punishment.
I am a weak women full of weaknesses.
I need major improvement.
But i'm afraid i'll repeat the same mistake.
Again.


Status: Mess.

SEMUANYA BERMAKNA

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal wa fii kulli hal :)
I found this pending post inside my draft. I guess i was trying to post this but held by the thought this post would be of no benefit to anyone. But when i read it back, it's meaningful. It was my sincerest thought and feelings i was trying to speak out. It deserves to be posted :)


Hampir 4 bulan dah bergelar isteri, syukur atas kurniaan ini. Lepas kahwin, tak sempat nak update blog langsung. Bukan tak sempat actually, tapi tak larat nak mengadap screen komputer lama-lama. Sebab apa? Later i'll tell you why hehe.


Siapa sangka, single effort can lead you to this meaningful journey. I still remember kali pertama saya notice suami saya setahun lebih yang lepas, first time perasan kami sama kelas, first time rasa nak tahu siapa dia, first time rasa curious tentang someone you just met. Walaupun dia mungkin tak notice saya waktu tu, but its great i did :)


I am a type of person yang bila curious pasal someone, i'll dig around and try to find out. Waktu tu tak perasan lagi kewujudan rasa interest yang luar biasa, i thought it was just a common curiousity. Well, i was wrong absolutely hehe. It turned out i'm falling for him but not sure when specifically. Dalam diam, i have feeling for him.


When i realized of it, i got the courage to give him the hints. Tak taulah dari mana datangnya keberanian macam tu, but i keep on saying things to give him hint that i like him through twitter and instagram. I even followed his blog and give comments whenever i want. Bila ingat balik rasa jugak macam, tak tau malu betul aku ni haha.


But guess what, its worth it. I tried at least and at the same time i never put hope that he'll notice my feeling. I knew he may have someone special already, but, yes, at least i tried to let him know. I even asked his close friends if he has someone special already and the answer makes me happy. I am lying if i say i have no single hope at all on him.


I tried so hard to get this man's attention with hints and all. Until one day, i received a proposal from some other man, and my heart got twisted. He is serious, so nak tak nak, i did my istikharah. I did it with full dependency on Him. I put aside all my feelings and leave it all to Him. I just want Him to show me the truth even if it might hurt.


I keep doing my istikharah but still i can't find any clue until one day, suddenly i got some strange strength to make a post about him (my husband). I make that blogpost not to let him read it, i don't know, i just wrote it out of nothing. I hope he read it but i didn't expect anything, means if he didn't read it i would be okay. How to say, hmm difficult to explain.


The next day after i posted it, this man texted me and asked me something related to the blogpost. Can you imagine, we never talk to each other face to face and suddenly he texted me asking about this, ya Allah i nearly cried thinking is this even possible or am i dreaming. He read my post!


Alang-alang dah malu, baik redah terus. So i decided to say it, now or never. That is the beginning. The beginning of so many new things i've never experience before.


And alhamdulillah i am now his wife, and is carrying our baby inside my stomach. *reason kenapa tak larat nak menghadap screen*


May Allah bless this beautiful journey with this amazing person insyaAllah. Because everything is so meaningful :)